


this thing almost killed my grandmother

by kittencaboodle, kurochansan (shirochansan)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Dildos, Gen, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru Friendship, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:45:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittencaboodle/pseuds/kittencaboodle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirochansan/pseuds/kurochansan
Summary: This is the story of how Oikawa learned in the most ungraceful way known to mankind to maybe not get frisky with a twelve inch dildo. Even if he thinks he’s home alone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this tumblr post: http://stability.tumblr.com/post/156112562421  
> catch us on tumblr @iwa-chan-hajime and @shirogomis for less shitty content

Now, in hindsight Oikawa should’ve thought this through. And yes, Oikawa has had his fair share of oh-fucking-shit-maybe-this-was-a-bad-idea ideas. But this one, oh this one takes not just the cake, this bitch takes the whole fucking bakery.

But that’s how life works. We live and we learn. And some bitches gotta learn the hard way.

This is the story of how Oikawa learned in the most ungraceful way known to mankind to maybe not get frisky with a twelve inch dildo. Even if he thinks he’s home alone.

 

The day is Sunday, January 15th, 2017.

Oikawa had gotten a package from amazon the previous Wednesday. The package? A huge ass, twelve inch, black dildo. Now this black beauty was something to behold, twelve inches long and thick as a fist. He’s had ample experience with a number of toys in the past, but this, this would be the crown jewel. And Oikawa was waiting, just fucking waiting, for the perfect moment to ease his pert little ass onto that dildo all week long. But one can’t just shove a giant dildo up their ass any day of the week, oh no. Oikawa is not a fucking amateur. He has finesse when it comes to his dildo hobbies. With all his experience, he knows, one must wait until the day, the time, the  _ moment _ ,  is perfect. 

That moment being when Iwaizumi was finally out of the fucking house, to be more specific. One cannot simply proceed with sinking one’s ass onto this beauty of a sex toy when  _ Iwa-chan _ was in the house. Goodness no, Iwa-chan is pure. Iwa-chan must be protected.  _ Iwa-chan must not know. _

It was the perfect plan, Iwaizumi would be gone most of the afternoon, giving Oikawa just the right amount of prep and execution time. Carefully sliding the box out from underneath his bed, he cut through the thick plastic. He felt the new silicone toy in his hands, it was weighty, perfect.

Oikawa took his time, as any artist does, properly lubing up and preparing himself to take this all. And like every artist, Oikawa has his muse; searching through his music, he finds the perfect song. Eye of the Tiger filters through the speakers in his bedroom. Oikawa feels his heartbeat thump harder in excitement. He looked at the dildo again, eager to start. He had always prided himself on being cautious, he peeked his head out his bedroom door to check for any signs of life in the house. Iwaizumi was gone, now was his chance. 

Oikawa took a deep breath. It’s show time baby.

Now… where to stick it? He looked around the room, almost any wall space was taken up with alien posters, so that was out of the question. The floor? Too much thigh work; he wanted this to be enjoyable. He looked to the door, the only cleared flat surface. He was home alone, it would have to do.

He uses the strong suction cup attached to the bottom of the mega-dong to keep it in place on his bedroom door. He gives it a few tugs and pulls. She stays. She’s a strong one. She’s a keeper.

Oikawa takes another deep, shuddering breath, gently, he eases himself back onto the dildo. He gasps, he prepared himself but she’s a thick one. He takes it easy, takes his time, takes his breaths. This is art. And every art piece is best when done with patience. Gradually he starts to quicken the pace. Ugh, she feels  _ so good _ , he needs  _ more _ . He hears the door start to rattle along with his movements, paced to the Rocky theme song. He’s taken a good few inches of her when he starts to get real heated. Heartbeat racing, breathing ragged, sweat starting to drip down his temple, and it’s so  _ good _ .

It was all going perfectly, this had been worth every penny-

“Shittykawa, what the hell is that noi—“ 

_ Oh God, dear God, no.  _

The door swung open, ripping the dong straight from his asshole. Pain shot through his whole body and Oikawa straight up howled in pure agony, but he couldn’t think about that right now. It happened all at once. On impulse, Iwaizumi slammed the door, ramming the dick back up his hole. Oikawa could see spots in his vision from the pain. Iwaizumi was no better off, dizzy and ready to vomit. He was hunched over, coughing so hard, trying to prevent his lunch from projectiling across the floor. But it was too much, oh God was it too much. His eyes, goodness of all the horrid images he’s seen in his life. Oikawa on his knees, doggy style on the floor, ass up, and asshole just… all kinds of fucked up. Iwazumi could feel his lunch coming up now as the horrid scene ran through his mind on repeat. Iwazumi was heaving now, eyesight going dark, his mind managing to register one thought and one thought alone before blacking out. 

_ Fucking Shittykawa. _

Oikawa heard a distinct thud from the other side of the door, Iwaizumi was on the floor, unconscious. If his own prolapsed, bleeding asshole wasn’t enough reason to call an ambulance, this sure was.

The ambulance couldn’t come fast enough. Oikawa couldn’t move, he laid in pain on the hardwood floor regretting every life decision that had led to this particular moment. He heard the door swing open. He had been in too much pain to feel shame about this… that was until Hanamaki and Matsukawa rushed through the door. Why couldn’t this just have killed him instead? How could he have forgotten that they were taking the EMT training programming? He would’ve sooner bled out than call them.

They did a quick survey of the situation, doubling over in tears, laughing hysterically. Of course they had been called to this mess of a scene. And of course, it was Oikawa and Iwaizumi. If this were anyone else, they would’ve acted with the utmost professionalism. But this wasn’t just anyone—this was Oikawa on the floor with his asshole bleeding, a mega-dong stuck to his bedroom door, and an unconscious Iwaizumi on the other side. Thankfully, this was their first solo run, so with no oversight, they planned to record the whole thing. This would be a story for the team. Hanamaki was the first to pull out his phone, saying that he had to document this for the “official report”—Oikawa called his bullshit, but couldn’t really do much about it. What with his asshole bleeding and all, and him being so traumatised by this entire situation, he wasn’t in the best condition to fight back at the moment.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa spend a good ten minutes taking videos and posting it up on snapchat for everyone, to see. Oh dear God, Oikawa will never be able to live this down. And,  _ oh fuck Iwa-chan _ , the poor innocent soul, had been ruthlessly dragged into this mess as well.

Eventually Hanamaki and Matsukawa manage to pull themselves together long enough to pop an ammonia capsule and bring Iwaizumi back from the dead. Where he honestly would have preferred to stay, rather than come back to this shithole of a situation. But, no such luck, Iwaizumi was brought back to life. He had to move out. He would never be able to look Oikawa in the eye again.

He looks around the apartment. Hanamaki and Matsukawa are back to having the time of their lives, their snapchats blowing up. He makes sudden eye contact with Oikawa. And he freezes. He could feel it. His body shaking again with that oh so familiar feeling but he couldn’t cover his mouth in time. Without warning, his stomach emptied onto the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> yea no we'll walk ourselves out thx


End file.
